saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
