allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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