yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
