This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
