I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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