Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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