It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize