Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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