you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
