Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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