All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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