Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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