I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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