Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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