if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
