Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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