i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
