Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
