Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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