I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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