I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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