LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize