the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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