when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
