sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
