I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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