i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
