Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
