I wish I could punch you in the face.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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