I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
