you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
