My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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