I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
