worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
