Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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