I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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