I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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