My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the day after is always just damage control
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
