this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
