i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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