I was born with a shot glass in my hand
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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