Kiss
Puke
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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