my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
