I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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