Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
