After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
