I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize