Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
