i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
