my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
