Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
