I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
