i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
