i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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