So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize