I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
