You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
