The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
