actually, I'm a sock model
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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