first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
