You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize