She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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