dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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