I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
