When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
