I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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